Here in Columbus, Ohio, the state school board yesterday voted 13 to 4 "...in favor of lesson plans that some scientists say continue to contain inaccurate information about evolution" (AP Science).

What's going on is simple. They've voted to include information in the curriculum about "intelligent design," the idea that life is so complex it couldn't have just evolved that way...it must have required the input of a superior, sorry, non-specified, power. This against the objections of, among others, the National Academy of Sciences.

Give me a break.

We're not just talking about informing students there are people out there unwilling to accept evolution, this is something that, if accepted, will become a part of the mandatory achievement tests our kids are required to take.

I mean, OK, yes, I understand there are people unwilling to let go of the idea the world was created by "god." Or Buddha. Or Mohammed. Or whomever. I've got that. There are people who still believe the world is flat, too, but we aren't teaching and testing about it in schools.

What gets me about this is the back-pedalling involved. First, god created man in his own image and the animals were, well, fussy details hard to explain. Let's call them food. For man. Made in god's image.

Then the darn Darwinists came along and explained things through the lens of evolution. Oh, look...here is a virtually unbroken line of mammals starting with apes and ending with man. About as irrefutable as millions of years of evidence gets. So, I guess man wasn't exactly made in god's image...unless, of course, god looks like an ape.

But that's not a particularly popular thought. Let's skip over that.

So, if we can trace all life back to the primordial ooze and can explain--with good visuals even--how we all came to be, where does that leave the creationists?

In a bad place, that's where.

There are a whole lot of people with a whole lot invested in the idea of a God with a Plan. This whole thing about it happening, well, randomly, is a bit soft for the basis of a major religion. Hard to get a lot of followers for that. No, we're going to need something better. What we're gonna need is some spin.

You can almost see the smoke-filled room, lit with a single 100-watt bulb hanging over a table surrounded by the world's best and brightest theologians....

"Boys, we've got a problem here. This evolution stuff is causing havoc among our people. They're actually starting to believe some of this crap and they're asking tough questions," says one of the men.

"And, they want proof, of all things," chimes in another.

"What happened to the good old days when people took what we told them on faith?," asks one of the older clerics. "What happened to that?"

The assembled crowd murmurs its assent when, at the back of the room, a bald, intense, slightly-deranged man moves forward with the confidence of a lottery-winner at a penny-ante poker game. He looks suspiciously like James Carville.

"Now, now," he says in a loud, slow drawl, "y'all's just goin' and gettin' your frocks in a twist over nothin'. I've got it all figgered out. We cain't just keep refutin' evolution--we've rode that horse a good long time but he's finally bucked us.

"They've got too much evidence to just ignore, so it's time we stopped pushin' and started pullin'. We've gotta get evolution on our side and make them do some flailin' for a while. Like my daddy always said, the best defense is a good offense."

"I beg your pardon?," says the head cleric.

"What we're gonna do is say hell yeah, there was evolution alright, but God made the ooze."

"Come again?"

"The ooze. You know, the primordial ooze. God made that."

"He did?," asked one of the elders.

"Of course he did. And, he did it with full knowledge of the complexity of life that'd be comin' out of it. It wasn't just any kinda ooze, it was smart ooze. God-smart ooze. He'd had it all figgered out aheada time."

"But we're not all Calvinists...we don't all believe in predestination," offered a voice from the back.

"Oh for cryin' out loud. Work with me here folks. If all you're gonna do is bring up nit-picky details, we're not gonna get anywhere. Work it out. Now all we need is some kind of snappy theme to stick on this puppy and we've got somethin' that'll sell.

"Lemme see...can't call it 'Creationism,' that's already got baggage. How about 'God's Plan,' with a capital P? Naw, doesn't work for you Buddhists and Muslims. Oh, wait...I know...let's call it 'Intelligent Design.' Who could argue with that and not sound like an idiot?

"Why hell, with a name like that, purty soon they'll be linin' up to teach our kids like it was for real."

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